Its so hard being me.
Ok, its not really. I have a lot of great things going for me- a job that let me change to part-time so that I could focus on making my work-life balance weigh a little more in favor of “life”, a relatively low-maintenance baby, a beautiful home, and a partner that is just that- a partner. Its not actually “me” that is is so hard to be, it is “mom” that is so hard to be. I think this is true no matter who you are. Being a mom is harrowing. It is exhausting. It is beautiful. It is crazy. It is trying. It is fun. There are a lot of adjectives that could be used to describe being a mom, but I am beginning to think that none of them are just right. “Mom” needs to be its own adjective.
If I had to pick one word to describe how being a mom makes me feel the most often, it would have to be: “Needed”. Who doesn’t want to be needed? Let me tell you who: me. Just for a few hours. I love being needed. I love being important. But I also love the thought of, just for a little while, sitting around and doing nothing and it being of no consequence to anyone else. I would like to mindlessly watch crime dramas on TV without having to worry permanently damaging my child’s mental well-being. I would like to use my sick days when I am actually sick, rather than when my baby is sick and has to stay home from daycare. I would like to take a day nap. Who are we kidding, I would like to just get a night’s sleep. A full night’s sleep. Even a half night’s sleep! In my bed with my husband and without a (very adorable) little baby snacking at the all you can eat 24-hour boobie buffet and simultaneously kicking my thighs and picking my nose with his sticky little fingers all night since he refuses to sleep in his own bed.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how I’m feeling at the moment) for me, the neediness of those around me doesn’t end there. I am lusted after by my husband (this isn’t exactly what I would consider a “problem”, but nonetheless). I am constantly on call available to my team at work. I am regularly working on projects for the online shop that I run and periodically working on projects for the board that I voluntarily chair. Someone always needs something from me, and no one, especially the tiniest little boss of them all, seem to realize that I am needed full-time by any of the others at the same time. “You should be grateful” they yell. “Stop complaining” they scream. Listen up- I am grateful. I am SO grateful. And I’m not complaining, I’m venting (there’s a difference). But just give me this moment. Please. I need this moment.
The problem with being needed is that it is exhausting.
The problem with being needed is that I need me too.
The problem with being needed is that it is addicting.
The problem with being needed is that it forces me to focus on those around me before myself
The problem with being needed is that it has turned me into the best version of myself that I have ever known.
Wait, who said there was a problem with being needed?