Last night, I fell asleep at the keyboard during my first attempt to write this post.
A few weeks ago I went to the doctor with aches so bad I thought I had arthritis and was diagnosed, instead, with “being a mom”.
I really wish I was making this shit up.
Motherhood changes you. It broadens you in more ways than just physically. Yes, it gives you the superhuman ability to be fully functional on little to no restful sleep, but it also forces you to fine-tune skills and to create an identity for yourself that you never even knew you wanted.
Life as of late has been one big exercise in the art of balance. How much can I do while maintaining my sanity? Even if I can do it- how much of it do I actually want to do? I feel that my identity as a wife/mother is constantly at odds with my professional identity. If I am succeeding at one, I feel that I am failing at the other. Or, on some days, I just feel like I am failing miserably at them both. Yesterday was a particularly harrowing day for me in my journey to master the art of “balance.” I returned to work from a blissful week’s vacation with my family. Sunday evening, I was feeling at peace with my life. I was feeling successful and confident. Balance. Come Monday morning and I am shuffling through the chaos of having been away from my professional life for a week. I feel off-kilter. I feel unsettled. Unbalanced. I am frantically trying to make the professional “me” feel successful again, and before I know it, I’ve managed to throw the personal “me” off-kilter too. I’ve stayed over an hour late at work, I’ve only managed to collect nourishment for my baby twice all day, and I am literally 2 minutes away from missing the cut off time for picking up my son from daycare. I’m sure that I will be able to find my zen again after a weekend to recover, but its only Tuesday. Until then, my days will continue to be at odds with my nights. My life will be a constant see-saw of balancing the identity I want, and the identity that I must have.
Is there a way for me to successfully balance the two? I don’t know. But since I don’t have any other options right now, I have to figure out how to calibrate, or I will soon find myself so uneven that I will be living my life in circles. And it’s hard to focus on the important things when you’re spinning.